10 Things I had to learn by myself (my mother never taught me):
i. Blame the person who hurts you, not yourself. Never blame yourself for not being what they wanted or not being “good enough.” You are made with perfectly flawed traits, stitched together to be loved unconditionally.
ii. Not everyone you love will love you back and the people who do love you, you won’t always reciprocate the feelings. But that doesn’t make them or you a bad person. You can’t love everyone and not everyone will love you. I refuse to blame the people that can’t find it in their soul to give me what I give them. I don’t give to get back. I give because I want to and because I can.
iii. Don’t let one person tell you negative things about yourself. One opinion out of a million does not make you who you are. No one paints a masterpiece for you, you are the art piece. You make who you are. You are the artist.
iv. Don’t ever settle. People always feel safer with things that they are used to and comfortable with instead of seeking for the heart pounding feelings and moments that take their breaths away. I never want it to be easy; I want it to be hard to breathe and suffocating when I give something my all. I want to learn how to survive through that.
v. Learn how to say no. No, I do not want to dance with you. No, I do not want to kiss you. No, I do not want to date you. No, I do not want to do this. No, I do not want to do that. Because that does not make me happy and that does not make me feel comfortable, so no. And I don’t need to give you a reason nor do I need to make up an excuse to say “no.”
vi. There are different kinds of people. Don’t always catergorize people in groups because people are not meant to be labelled. Just because one person hurts you, does not mean the ones in the future will. Just because one person holds a knife doesn’t mean the next one will use it. There is good out there; there is good in the world and there is good in people. Not everyone is a monster. I strongly believe that majority of the population is good.
vii. Do not let the past prevent you from living in the future. Do not let the pain and hurt take over. Don’t close yourself up to others just because you have been broken before. Never allow the demons of yesterday to control the beauty that is to come in the future. Vow to never allow it to always be stormy for the sun does eventually shine down on all things beautiful. I am beautiful, and so are you.
viii. You can swim across the world for someone but they might not even step outside in the drizzle for you. Even if you hold the umbrella for them.
ix. Never give someone the power to rid you of yourself. Don’t ever fall out of your routine or lose who you are permanently. That is so important.
x. Love yourself. Learn to love the birthmark on your face, the chipmunk cheeks, the thighs that jiggle when you walk, the nose you think is too flat, and your fingers that are too short. Learn to appreciate your almond shaped eyes, your skin color, the thin hair that doesn’t grow fast, the beauty mark above your lips, and the small gap between your teeth. Learn to love your sense of humor, your laughter, your emotions, your tendency to trust easily, and how happy you always are. Learn to love the way you love others deeply, how you sometimes fear being lonely, the way you enjoy walks alone, and the radiance in your soul. Learn to love yourself at 3AM when you cannot sleep and can only think of the skeletons hiding in your own closets and learn to love yourself at 3PM when you are cranky and unable to get out of bed. Learn to love yourself and come to terms with the fact that you are you, and that will never change.
You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them
and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you — it’s something inherent.
You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.
~dealing with anxiety/depression/panic attacks~
for a while i’ve had to deal with a lot of anxiety/depression problems. in the process i have received and read lots of advice to help me so i thought i might make a mass post of all those things to maybe help any of you who happen to suffer from these problems but don’t know how to get help
- mess with your senses. sometimes i feel like i’m in a dream, like things aren’t real. but i’ve learned that panic attacks are basically controlled by two main things: breathing and your senses. hold an ice cube for as long as you can, take a cold shower or maybe even a hot one, spray your favorite perfume, hold your breath for ten seconds and when you exhale imagine you can see your favorite color streaming out your mouth (like when you can see your breath when it’s cold outside) something to tell you “i am here right now. this is real and these things are happening to me and i am okay”
- drink lots of water
- do breathing exercises. slow breathing not fast. trust me, fast breathing will not do you any good. you might not think it’s helping at first but after a few minutes you will feel a change. inhale for three seconds, hold it for ten seconds, exhale for three and repeat. if you can control your breathing you can control your panic attack
- go outside. getting fresh air and seeing things move around you can be a very good thing. maybe even walking around a store in walking distance. go to a park and swing. go out with people or even by yourself no matter how much you want to stay inside. it might be hard but in the end you will feel a little better!
- talk to someone. anyone. call them. talk to them in person. chat with them online. about anything. have them distract you. have them tell you about the best part of their day or what their favorite movies are and why they love them. get your mind thinking about anything else other than the bad thoughts going on in your head. have them make you tell yourself that you are okay. have them make you say it out loud.
- watch a movie or your favorite show. nothing sad or triggering. maybe a funny movie. i like pirate radio, fantastic mr fox, the goonies, or somethin on netflix. i recommend new girl, parks and rec, submarine. but also remember that staying on your computer all day and not getting out of the house can make things worse. make you feel trapped.
- go to sleep. sleeping helps a lot. i find that if i put on a calm show or movie and turn my computer brightness down all the way, close my eyes and listen to the words, i eventually calm down and fall asleep.
- stop drinking caffeine. i used to drink soda all the time. drink decaf coffee and tea, caffeine free soda rarely. remember that all it does is makes you more jittery and anxious, it isn’t helping you. try drinking chamomile tea, which has been proven to help relieve stress and anxiety.
- stop smoking. cigarettes alone aren’t good for you. i smoked a lot thinking that the cigarettes would calm me down. i actually learned that smoking contributed a lot to my anxiety problems. smoking causes you to be more stressed, you worry about your health but you feel like you need them to stay calm. cigarettes do the opposite along with caffeine. your ability to cope with stress without nicotine makes everything worse. you worry about how it affects your job, your health, etc. it adds more to your plate. smoking can also cause you to breathe too much. hyperventilating is a main cause for panic attacks. and you might even feel anxiety when you quit smoking, because you won’t have that go-to “this is the only thing that can calm me down” effect. but it gets better and once you quit you will see that you feel a million times better with out them.
- i find it very hard to eat when my anxiety or depression is bad. try eating small meals throughout the day instead of maybe two or three big meals a day. here is an article about ten foods that reduce anxiety
- exercise! go for a jog, swim, do sit-ups, dance, bike, do some sort of sport. exercise has many good benefits to helping with anxiety and depression. you can use it as a distraction to get away from negative thoughts, you increase body temperature which will help calm you down, you get them endorphin’s flowin, you feel better about yourself, you relieve stress, you might even sleep better because you’ll be all worked out after. hey it could even be a good social activity. i would not suggest yoga or meditating simply because you sit there alone in all of your thoughts. quiet doesn’t help for me.
- try out a new hobby, which might sound lame but it’s true. something to feel better about yourself if you feel like you aren’t good at anything and get you thinking about something other than how bad you feel. for me, it’s soap making and lipstick making. for you it might be cooking, drawing, knitting, gardening, pottery, sewing, hiking, flower pressing, fishing, photography, who knows! find volunteer opportunities in your area. try things out. you could even meet new people through it. it’s crucial to hang on to things such as hanging out with people, hobbies and other interests. depression can make you stay inside for days on end and that does nothing for you and your mental health. you will feel better doing things that keep your mind and body productive.
- if you are at your worst and do not feel safe call 911. do not worry about the costs, do not worry about what people think. there are ways to get hospital bills paid for if you don’t have insurance and people at the hospital will help you if you don’t know how. they will give you steps to get you the help you need. everything will be okay. if you don’t feel safe you need to get help.
- acknowledge that you have a problem, a problem that is not in your control and not your fault, acknowledge that you can get help and things can feel better. you are not alone with your anxiety or depression. many people have these problems and have learned how to cope and feel better. maybe by seeing a doctor, maybe by reading tips online, maybe by going to therapy or taking medication. but there is a way to feel better and you can get help. remember that people love you, even if it might not show. anxiety and depression are not your fault. you do not deserve to have these problems. and know that it can and will get better even at your darkest times. you can’t ignore your problems and hope they go away. you need to accept them and evaluate what your best option is for helping yourself.
- and remember that you are strong and you can get through anything
Which do you want: the pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth?
Nothing’s more important than moving forward. Miles Davis in particular is someone who had that sort of attitude, he was like, ‘It’s more important to work on a new idea’ and that makes a lot of sense to me; that seems to me to be a way to me that you can be a musician and create a lifetime’s worth of music rather than trapping yourself in a situation of always trying to do a better version of something. You know I feel the need to be constantly getting on with music because it’s something that makes sense to me, its gives me a sense of, a reason to live. You know you have those moments when you think, ‘What the hell am I doing? Why am I even on the planet?’ - at that point I realise the thing that seems to feel natural and always make sense to me is music… So I just kind of think of it as, life.
There is no designated time for anything in your life. You don’t have to have your first kiss at any certain time, you don’t have to get married in your 20′s and you don’t have to do anything just because other people think it’s best. In fact, you will be much better off if you just do what your heart says. The day you stop caring what other people think is the day their opinions don’t mean anything, because you’re not there to give them weight.
Happiness doesn’t come from not having pain anymore. It comes from knowing how to deal with it. From not being afraid of it.
If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don’t like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn’t mean you got to stop living.